Bonding With Your Adopted Child

I thought this was worth reposting from WikiHow. Here is the original link: http://www.wikihow.com/Bond-With-Your-Adopted-Child


Bonding with your adopted child can be easier than you think. The level of difficulty will vary depending on the child's age and the experiences they went through in foster care or with the biological parents, but this article assumes they are past the infant and toddler stage. The main thing to remember is that the child does want to be loved and find a stable and supportive home, no matter how distant or upset they may seem.

Steps

1 Spend time with your child, and show your love.Love the child. Let them know that you are there for them and that you would like to spend time with them.

2 Take the time to interact with your child, such as teaching him or her new things.Find activities that the child will be interested in that will benefit them intellectually and emotionally. Spend time with them so that you can learn more about them and bond.

3 If you live in a culture that values privacy and personal space (e.g., modern western cultures), give them a personal space to spend time in, and respect that space as theirs. Knock on the door before entering, and, no matter how much you may dislike it, allow them to decorate and paint (or help them paint) the room so that it is their own space. They need to feel that the new home is their own and that they can feel comfortable staying there. Howbeit this may not be practical if they must share rooms with others, as not every family is able to afford each family member his or her own space, especially in developing countries. It is more important to emphasise mutual love and respect for all members of the household.

4 If your child is of a different religion or nationality than you, respect it. Ask the child if they would like to celebrate certain holidays or parts of their heritage, and, if applicable, try to learning about them. Ask the child if they can help you to learn about the religion or heritage/celebration. Go to the library or search online about what is involved and have the child show you what they know about it. It may not be part of what you consider "the holidays" but it will need to be from now on. Even if the child doesn't speak up about it, you still need to ask if they would like to celebrate or learn about it. Otherwise, resentment may quietly build. Don't worry too much about holidays. Focus on unreserved love for the child, and taking care of his or her needs.

5 Ask questions, but don't pry. Talk about their past in an open way. Never try to hide the fact or forget the fact that they were adopted. Staying open and honest will make them trust you and will turn you into "mom or dad" faster than lying or faking it ever would.

6 Let the child have some control over the family choices. Let them choose a family dinner each night, a family activity each week, a game you play, or a movie you see. They need to have a little bit of control in a life that has previously been so out of their control.

7 Never put down or attack the biological parent's character. Even if they gave the child up for adoption for horrible reasons and even if you disagree with their lifestyle, don't tell the child that the biological parents were "bad" or "worthless". No good can come of this, it will only reflect badly upon you in the long run. Remember, if you have nothing good to say about someone, then do not say anything. Benjamin Franklin once said this regarding his success in interpersonal relationships: I speak of all the good things of men, and none of the bad.

8 Relax. The relationship will build with time. As the child begins to see that you respect and care about them, love will grow. They will slowly begin to see you as "mom or dad" and their early life will become less important as they become involved in school, sports, etc. Just try and be an open and honest parent, and everything will work out fine!

9 Know when to seek professional help. Many children are adopted from abusive homes, drug dealer homes, nonfunctional homes, and may have seen and been involved in harsh home situations. Quite often, the adopted child may have emotional issues and learning disabilities that may require professional help to overcome.

Y2K+X

It had less of a following, but just as great a potential to paralyze our civilization. That’s right, Y2K+X or 2010 for those not wanting to do the math. It did, really. I wouldn’t joke about this kind of calamity. I mean, there are probably some IT guys still hiding under their desks with their Y2K survival kits that include a back pack full of bottled water, some ready to eat meals and their life savings in small bills. Michael S. Hyatt wrote The Y2K Survival Guide and made us all believe that cows were going to stop eating grass and corn would stop growing when the clock struck midnight ten years ago.

I was pretty lucky – in a way – I had waited to long to order my Y2K underground protection shelter and the construction company said they wouldn’t be able to get to mine in time. So, I did pretty much what the majority of the world did that night – I partied like a rock star and celebrated the turning of the millennium on the dance floor with a drink in hand! If we were going to go down, we were going to go down drunk and with a smile on our face! It seems like just yesterday. Maybe because yesterday was not all that different! Even so, it was still ten years ago. They say time flies when you are having fun – so I guess I’ve been having a blast!

I decided to make this my first interactive post – you know, as a tribute to all those IT people who saved our lives that cold, dark night some ten years ago as they diligently upgraded systems and ran tests that included fake dates. I’m asking you to respond to this post with the story of how you spent the changing of the millennium. And like every major corporation asked that year: don’t forget to include your contingency plan!

2010 Goals

They say you should write down your goals and tell your friends what you plan to accomplish. It makes sense, really. I mean, unless your friends are jerks and would try to talk you out of doing something your heart desires. Not mine. I could tell them I wanted to do something dangerous and crazy and they would be there, beer in hand, cheering me on! I have the best friends.

So, in an effort to bring my goals for 2010 to fruition, I decided to write them down and share.

Professional
1) Keep a positive attitude!
2) Exceed my company’s sales goal by $100K.

Personal
1) Run a full marathon.
2) Complete a half Iron Man Triathlon.
3) Get to and maintain 170 pounds.
4) Read at least one book a month.

2009 Recap – The Year of Personal Growth

- After 20 years I reconnected with an old friend named Kelly, who became one of my best friends this year!
- Mexico!
- I spent my (35th) first birthday with my birthmother.
- I started training in January for my first half marathon, I ran 5 days a week for 3 months – in April I beat my goal by running my first half marathon in under 2 hours! After I crossed the finish line I started crying.
- After eleven years with my company I became a victim of the economy and found myself unemployed for the first time since I was 14 years old! (I can now say thank you)
- What else do you do when you lose your job - one that had provided you a company car? I went out and bought a car I always wanted – a BMW – with a stick! Thanks Obama!
- I completed my first triathlon. It was a sprint, but it gave me a taste!
- Enjoying my unemployment freedom I decided to do something I had been previously unable to do and will probably not be able to do again until I retire. I spent the summer on my boat! I was rocked to sleep every night and it was truly amazing. I even named it “The Summer of Tony” – and it was.
- I ran a 24 minute 5k – a personal best!
- I loved and I lost.
- I completed my first Olympic distance triathlon – 1.5k swim, 40k bike, 10k run!
- I had the most incredible new career handed to me. It was literally laid in my lap.
- A dear friend Lisa challenged me to a race: The Lewis and Clark Half Marathon. I barely beat her, but was more excited that I beat my previous personal best time!
- I did my first Xterra triathlon.
- I ran a 6:40 mile – another personal best!
- After 19 years of not speaking to each other I reconnected with my oldest childhood friend, Aaron.
- I was a great father to an incredible daughter. I was able to watch her grow right before my eyes. There are so many wonderful memories I will never forget!

Blogging

Dear Mr. 1/8 Full,

You have done a horrible job of blogging this year. While I understand your year was full of surprises, setbacks, and summers of… I would like to point out that it was you yourself who wanted this blog. It was also you who told yourself how much you enjoyed writing – which is odd, because I would have thought you could have come up with something blog worthy over, oh, say, the last six months! True, there was that one deleted post (sorry ~A), but nothing else? Really? I mean, I know you had all the intentions in the world a few times. I even remember you sitting down in front of the computer, but nothing came. I’ll stop being so critical if you promise to at least try again. Okay? Deal?

Signed,

The Voices Inside My Head

My Frist Triathlon

Today I was asked to put together a paragraph about myself. A short description the announcers can use when they broadcast the race live on May 30th over the Principia College Internet Radio. I did just that below and thought I’d share on my blog:


Tony (me)

I am a 35 year old father to my beautiful three year old daughter Gracie. I have always been somewhat active; but never competitive in any of these disciplines. I grew up around the water and have always enjoyed swimming. Likewise, I have rode mountain bikes for years. I started running last year to impress a girl – for the record it worked! I did a few short 5 & 10k runs last fall and really enjoyed them. In January of this year I started training for the Go St. Louis half marathon and fell in love with the scheduled regimen and dedication it took to train five days a week – not to mention the physical benefits I saw in the mirror and on the scale! I set a goal of 2 hours and beat it by just over 1m 30s – I was ecstatic! I have always wanted to do a triathlon but in the past I was afraid of the run. With a solid base of running now under my belt I decided to sign up for the Lake St. Louis Olympic distance triathlon and started my training for that race this coming August. This sprint is my first triathlon and I’m super excited about the idea of putting together three activities I really enjoy!

http://www.escapetothebluffs.com/

A Gift

“Music” by Henri Matisse (1907)

Music has always spoken to me, as it does so many. As a listener, we are afforded the creative freedom to bend lyrics - almost molding them around our personal situations as they seem to mostly fit. When we relate to a song it makes us smile and usually feels good. I'm good at molding. I like relating. I want that feeling! Sometimes our strongest desires make us hastily connect to certain lyrics that might not completely encompass our story. Yet, it still seems to work – it still feels good.

For the first time I have lyrics in front of me that need not be molded. They don’t call for wishful thinking to fit a certain situation – they don’t because they were written for me…


"Invisible Kisses"

Will you still be here when I return?
Where will you have gone in the meantime?
Your story could never disappoint me

Cloaked by the distance of space and time
Doesn't make them any less real
It makes me smile to think of the many kisses
I place on your forehead morning and night

I have felt you before and I am stronger for it
You are in my story, and I am in yours
Better told after our encounter

Cloaked by the distance of space and time
Doesn't make them any less real
It makes me smile to think of the many kisses
I place on your forehead morning and night

~

Smiling he says, thank you.