Birthdays were always hard. Birthdays were the one day of the year when (or if) any hope existed that She was thinking about me – this would be the day. Past emotions bordered on depression, sadness, hopelessness, and inanition; while simultaneously I would experience the exact opposite of each of those feelings. The internal emotional conflict adoptees face throughout there life, but especially on their birthday, are beyond my writing abilities. I’m struggling here - wanting to try to accurately articulate my experiences so that others might gain a better understanding into our lives. The following is my best attempt: “Happy Birthday” they tell you. The day you feel like crying and laughing at the same time - all day - while screaming to world from the top of the highest building but feeling like you are stuck inside a dark closet surrounded by your family but feeling totally alone. The day you question your existence; not just your purpose in life, but truly your existence in this world while smiling as you blow out the candles of the cake offered to you as a celebration – something you can’t quite come to terms with yet. So defenselessly you repress those feelings and you cry into your pillow that night not knowing what to do or how to feel, only knowing that your birthday is unlike everyone else’s and it’s really not that happy.
Last year, on my 34th birthday I figured out what I needed to do. I started my search. Less than three weeks later I was sitting at the kitchen table, sobbing, as the woman who gave birth to me was holding my naked feet in her hands for the first time...
My birthday also coincides with a holiday known more so for its green beer and a random excuse to party in the middle of March. I’ve had multiple invitations for the evening’s affairs but can think of only one person I would like to spend my birthday with this year – my first birthday with my birth mother.
2 comments:
i wish i could sit here and tell you i do not understand how you feel, but i do know how it feels and the emotions running through your veins. Every year i hate my birthday, not because i mind getting older, i kinda like that part but because i am so dis attached from the people singing to me. I wonder if my birth mom has a small cake with "rebecca" on it, or if she ever knew that was my name. there are days that i look down at my birthmark on my arm and wonder is she saw that when i was first born. Having my children makes me wonder about so many things. I also wonder about my siblings and if they have the same emotions that i have. Tony, you give me strength with this blog that i did not know that i had. I am getting a little closer every day to find her and wonder if October 26 makes her cry or smile.
Congratulations on finding your birth mother and happy first birthday. To introduce myself, my name is LJ Jones and I represent a company called Identigene. We started a blog called www.mystoryrelated.com as a place for people to share their story of finding the people they are related to. You have a wonderful story and I would like to hear more of it. Would you be interested in sharing your story with the readers of our blog? If so, please email me at stories at mystoryrelated dot com and I will send you more info.
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