The Picture in the Mirror

It’s easy to critique a picture…

We throw stones. Big ones. Don’t we? We hurl them as hard and as far as we can! And it usually feels good! We look for validation of our own actions, our own humanity hidden among the defects, the secrets, and the faults of others. It is easy to look closely at a picture and do just this. We find those things we want to see, those things we need to see.

Can you do the same with a mirror?

As the year comes to an end, we hear people talking about the future and the past. We hear about New Year’s resolutions and reflections from the past year. When we reflect on the last year we take a look into the proverbial mirror of our own life. Sometimes we are our own worst critic and sometimes we stand so close to the mirror we are unable or unwilling to see our own shortcomings. We can use these reflections to change our lives.

An old adage says that people resist change but there is an equally as popular one that says we embrace tradition. The changing of the calendar offers us a chance to shake our personal Etch A Sketch, erase the past, and make a conscious decision to do something, anything, differently this year.

Look in the mirror and find yourself. I did.

One Year To The Day...

On December 19, 2007 I sat down and tearfully explained - to a woman I had never met, knew little about, yet longed for quite terribly – why I was reaching out to her after all these years. I mark that date as the true beginning and the start of the last of my many searches for my birthmother. On that cold wintry Wednesday evening by myself, I embarked on a short journey of a trip I had waited my entire life to take.

I have spent very little time with other adoptees. I have felt alone in my own personal battles up until I found a book called Adoption Healing by Joe Scoll. Great read and highly recommended for anyone involved in adoption or even in a relationship with someone who is involved in adoption. It really opens your eyes to just how fucked up we are; but I digress. My personal experiences with other adoptees have been limited to a few conversations with my search specialist, one adoptee, and the aforementioned book. Always looking for social normalcy and confirmation of my own life, I yearned for more of these encounters.

Over the summer I had the opportunity to meet a girl named Tara. It was far from love at first sight. We didn’t even hit it off that well. Few words were exchanged that night and I knew not who she was or her story. Through a random encounter with a friend of hers at a sandwich shop some time later, we exchanged information and agreed to a get-together of some sort - at some time, and left it at that. Months later it was on. We had agreed to a time and place and the three of us, plus a few others, were going to go have some drinks and call it a night on the town. Through random conversation over wine that night, I quickly realized how this person sitting at the table next to me had endured and faced such a similar life. It was on the table: she was adopted. And like me, she had searched and found her birth mother this past year. Due of the dynamics of the evening it was challenging to continue the conversation I couldn’t let go. The evening ended even though the story had not.

Faced with family, schedules, and responsibilities it was some time before we would be able to meet again. Through complete random chance, on December 19, 2008 I found myself sitting alone with the one person who could understand better than anyone what the last year of my life had entailed. Tara and I shared our respective stories and I found solace in her familiar fears, her experiences, her joys, all along knowing that our parallel paths had converged on that once distant horizon of our respective lives.

Here is to December 19th and all of my brothers and sisters through adoption!

Vodka - Part 2

Where to start? I guess when I'm done laughing at myself I might come up with something clever to say. I thought about editing the post; maybe make it a little less "drunk". I even considered deleting it altogether and pretending it never happened. I mean, not that many people have seen it yet, right?

The last year of my life has been pretty interesting in many ways. Due to several life changing events I’ve had the opportunity to grow as a person in some very positive ways. While the post below may seem oxymoron-ish to the statement above, I’d like to try to tie them together.

I believe people are - for the most part - good. I think we try to do the right thing, which results in happiness, and we all want to be happy. I believe and grip this philosophy. I’m genuinely a happy person full of energy and life. But this doesn’t mean I don’t still do stupid things from time to time – I do. But I live with very few regrets; I’m not saying I don’t have regrets either, because - I do. But I can’t do anything with a regret, other than regret it. I typically can’t take back an action or choice. I can’t undo what I did. But what I can do is learn from my experiences – and I’ve been learning a lot and learning the hard way! These experiences have and are molding me into the person I am becoming and the one I want to be – and I’m really starting to like this guy! With that said, I’m opting to share the bad with the good and not edit or delete my drunk post – that’s definitely a part of who I am and I’m embracing my actions and saying, yep, that’s me! Enjoy!

…did I hear someone say tequila?

Drunk Blogging!!!

F'ing A!!!!

After a pletheora - f'it, i'm drunk, I don't need to know how to spell, much less try to use big words for YOU - after a pelethora (spelled differenly on purpose to prove I'm only have drunk) of drunk emails sent tonight to people who probably should not be getting emails from ME - I decided to make a blog post. Why the f- not? Seriously, we all do it from time to time, and I figured I could look back at this when I was sober and go, wow, Tony, you really need to lock up the Vodka, because that shit works! Either that or come up with a password that any drunk guy - or sober guy for that matter can hack! Well, this has been fun and that's about all I got, off to make another vodka/7 and delete some more old emails. Hope you all enjoy as much as I will tomorrow! Oh, why do I get the feeling this is going to hurt?

Peace out, N1!~

My First 10K!

I’ve never been a runner. I think the combination of relatively slow speeds, lack of adrenaline creating situations, and constant physical output required sort of ranked it up there with a weekend visit to the (now former) in-laws. My turning point happened just this summer. In an attempt to get back the single body I’ve never had (inside joke: I’ve not been single since I was a kid) and I think, initially, to impress a girl – I ran.

The first run was 3 miles. Pre run jitters told me I might as well be running the Boston Marathon – 3 miles? Seriously, that’s far in a car! But I sucked it up and ran. It wasn’t that bad, in fact, I made the entire run without walking! For reasons still unknown to me I started to enjoy running. In a matter of weeks I got past the point of “I’m going to die, this sucks!” and slipped into the “ok, if I head straight home after work I should be able to do the loop around my neighborhood before….” It was turning into an addiction. I was buying new shoes, special socks, and shorts with underwear stitched in the crotch! I was running frequently and adding distance and hills to my route. It was fun!

A friend who has done a lot of sponsored runs suggested I join their group for an upcoming 10K Halloween based “Pumpkin Run” – how could I say no?

It was an awesome experience – full of adrenaline and fun people! I have no doubt more will be in my future! Training for 13.1!

Oh God No! Not a Religious Post!

While my religious beliefs are just that - my own - I can, and do, appreciate humor. Even religious humor found amid church billboards trying to coerce us in their doors. The following is a collection of real-world examples found along the roads of the Midwest:

GOD ANSWERS KNEE-MAIL

GOD WORKS IN THE LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT

YOU TAKE ETERNITY: SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING?

CONSIDERING CATHALOSIM? HERE’S A SIGN

FORBIDDEN FRUIT CREATES MANY JAMS

TRY OUR SUNDAYS. THEY ARE BETTER THAN BASKIN-ROBINS.

“DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE” – GOD

WHAT PART OF “THOU SHAULT NOT….” DIDN’T YOU UNDERSTAND – GOD

KEEP USING MY NAME IN VAIN, I’LL MAKE RUSH HOUR LONGER – GOD

PREVENT TRUTH DECAY, BURSH UP ON YOUR BIBLE

WAL-MART ISN’T THE ONLY SAVING PLACE!

Seen in front of a church promoting Sunday morning coffee/donuts: Je-ho-va’s Java

The Goal

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
Wayne Gretzky