Bonding With Your Adopted Child

I thought this was worth reposting from WikiHow. Here is the original link: http://www.wikihow.com/Bond-With-Your-Adopted-Child


Bonding with your adopted child can be easier than you think. The level of difficulty will vary depending on the child's age and the experiences they went through in foster care or with the biological parents, but this article assumes they are past the infant and toddler stage. The main thing to remember is that the child does want to be loved and find a stable and supportive home, no matter how distant or upset they may seem.

Steps

1 Spend time with your child, and show your love.Love the child. Let them know that you are there for them and that you would like to spend time with them.

2 Take the time to interact with your child, such as teaching him or her new things.Find activities that the child will be interested in that will benefit them intellectually and emotionally. Spend time with them so that you can learn more about them and bond.

3 If you live in a culture that values privacy and personal space (e.g., modern western cultures), give them a personal space to spend time in, and respect that space as theirs. Knock on the door before entering, and, no matter how much you may dislike it, allow them to decorate and paint (or help them paint) the room so that it is their own space. They need to feel that the new home is their own and that they can feel comfortable staying there. Howbeit this may not be practical if they must share rooms with others, as not every family is able to afford each family member his or her own space, especially in developing countries. It is more important to emphasise mutual love and respect for all members of the household.

4 If your child is of a different religion or nationality than you, respect it. Ask the child if they would like to celebrate certain holidays or parts of their heritage, and, if applicable, try to learning about them. Ask the child if they can help you to learn about the religion or heritage/celebration. Go to the library or search online about what is involved and have the child show you what they know about it. It may not be part of what you consider "the holidays" but it will need to be from now on. Even if the child doesn't speak up about it, you still need to ask if they would like to celebrate or learn about it. Otherwise, resentment may quietly build. Don't worry too much about holidays. Focus on unreserved love for the child, and taking care of his or her needs.

5 Ask questions, but don't pry. Talk about their past in an open way. Never try to hide the fact or forget the fact that they were adopted. Staying open and honest will make them trust you and will turn you into "mom or dad" faster than lying or faking it ever would.

6 Let the child have some control over the family choices. Let them choose a family dinner each night, a family activity each week, a game you play, or a movie you see. They need to have a little bit of control in a life that has previously been so out of their control.

7 Never put down or attack the biological parent's character. Even if they gave the child up for adoption for horrible reasons and even if you disagree with their lifestyle, don't tell the child that the biological parents were "bad" or "worthless". No good can come of this, it will only reflect badly upon you in the long run. Remember, if you have nothing good to say about someone, then do not say anything. Benjamin Franklin once said this regarding his success in interpersonal relationships: I speak of all the good things of men, and none of the bad.

8 Relax. The relationship will build with time. As the child begins to see that you respect and care about them, love will grow. They will slowly begin to see you as "mom or dad" and their early life will become less important as they become involved in school, sports, etc. Just try and be an open and honest parent, and everything will work out fine!

9 Know when to seek professional help. Many children are adopted from abusive homes, drug dealer homes, nonfunctional homes, and may have seen and been involved in harsh home situations. Quite often, the adopted child may have emotional issues and learning disabilities that may require professional help to overcome.

Y2K+X

It had less of a following, but just as great a potential to paralyze our civilization. That’s right, Y2K+X or 2010 for those not wanting to do the math. It did, really. I wouldn’t joke about this kind of calamity. I mean, there are probably some IT guys still hiding under their desks with their Y2K survival kits that include a back pack full of bottled water, some ready to eat meals and their life savings in small bills. Michael S. Hyatt wrote The Y2K Survival Guide and made us all believe that cows were going to stop eating grass and corn would stop growing when the clock struck midnight ten years ago.

I was pretty lucky – in a way – I had waited to long to order my Y2K underground protection shelter and the construction company said they wouldn’t be able to get to mine in time. So, I did pretty much what the majority of the world did that night – I partied like a rock star and celebrated the turning of the millennium on the dance floor with a drink in hand! If we were going to go down, we were going to go down drunk and with a smile on our face! It seems like just yesterday. Maybe because yesterday was not all that different! Even so, it was still ten years ago. They say time flies when you are having fun – so I guess I’ve been having a blast!

I decided to make this my first interactive post – you know, as a tribute to all those IT people who saved our lives that cold, dark night some ten years ago as they diligently upgraded systems and ran tests that included fake dates. I’m asking you to respond to this post with the story of how you spent the changing of the millennium. And like every major corporation asked that year: don’t forget to include your contingency plan!

2010 Goals

They say you should write down your goals and tell your friends what you plan to accomplish. It makes sense, really. I mean, unless your friends are jerks and would try to talk you out of doing something your heart desires. Not mine. I could tell them I wanted to do something dangerous and crazy and they would be there, beer in hand, cheering me on! I have the best friends.

So, in an effort to bring my goals for 2010 to fruition, I decided to write them down and share.

Professional
1) Keep a positive attitude!
2) Exceed my company’s sales goal by $100K.

Personal
1) Run a full marathon.
2) Complete a half Iron Man Triathlon.
3) Get to and maintain 170 pounds.
4) Read at least one book a month.

2009 Recap – The Year of Personal Growth

- After 20 years I reconnected with an old friend named Kelly, who became one of my best friends this year!
- Mexico!
- I spent my (35th) first birthday with my birthmother.
- I started training in January for my first half marathon, I ran 5 days a week for 3 months – in April I beat my goal by running my first half marathon in under 2 hours! After I crossed the finish line I started crying.
- After eleven years with my company I became a victim of the economy and found myself unemployed for the first time since I was 14 years old! (I can now say thank you)
- What else do you do when you lose your job - one that had provided you a company car? I went out and bought a car I always wanted – a BMW – with a stick! Thanks Obama!
- I completed my first triathlon. It was a sprint, but it gave me a taste!
- Enjoying my unemployment freedom I decided to do something I had been previously unable to do and will probably not be able to do again until I retire. I spent the summer on my boat! I was rocked to sleep every night and it was truly amazing. I even named it “The Summer of Tony” – and it was.
- I ran a 24 minute 5k – a personal best!
- I loved and I lost.
- I completed my first Olympic distance triathlon – 1.5k swim, 40k bike, 10k run!
- I had the most incredible new career handed to me. It was literally laid in my lap.
- A dear friend Lisa challenged me to a race: The Lewis and Clark Half Marathon. I barely beat her, but was more excited that I beat my previous personal best time!
- I did my first Xterra triathlon.
- I ran a 6:40 mile – another personal best!
- After 19 years of not speaking to each other I reconnected with my oldest childhood friend, Aaron.
- I was a great father to an incredible daughter. I was able to watch her grow right before my eyes. There are so many wonderful memories I will never forget!

Blogging

Dear Mr. 1/8 Full,

You have done a horrible job of blogging this year. While I understand your year was full of surprises, setbacks, and summers of… I would like to point out that it was you yourself who wanted this blog. It was also you who told yourself how much you enjoyed writing – which is odd, because I would have thought you could have come up with something blog worthy over, oh, say, the last six months! True, there was that one deleted post (sorry ~A), but nothing else? Really? I mean, I know you had all the intentions in the world a few times. I even remember you sitting down in front of the computer, but nothing came. I’ll stop being so critical if you promise to at least try again. Okay? Deal?

Signed,

The Voices Inside My Head

My Frist Triathlon

Today I was asked to put together a paragraph about myself. A short description the announcers can use when they broadcast the race live on May 30th over the Principia College Internet Radio. I did just that below and thought I’d share on my blog:


Tony (me)

I am a 35 year old father to my beautiful three year old daughter Gracie. I have always been somewhat active; but never competitive in any of these disciplines. I grew up around the water and have always enjoyed swimming. Likewise, I have rode mountain bikes for years. I started running last year to impress a girl – for the record it worked! I did a few short 5 & 10k runs last fall and really enjoyed them. In January of this year I started training for the Go St. Louis half marathon and fell in love with the scheduled regimen and dedication it took to train five days a week – not to mention the physical benefits I saw in the mirror and on the scale! I set a goal of 2 hours and beat it by just over 1m 30s – I was ecstatic! I have always wanted to do a triathlon but in the past I was afraid of the run. With a solid base of running now under my belt I decided to sign up for the Lake St. Louis Olympic distance triathlon and started my training for that race this coming August. This sprint is my first triathlon and I’m super excited about the idea of putting together three activities I really enjoy!

http://www.escapetothebluffs.com/

A Gift

“Music” by Henri Matisse (1907)

Music has always spoken to me, as it does so many. As a listener, we are afforded the creative freedom to bend lyrics - almost molding them around our personal situations as they seem to mostly fit. When we relate to a song it makes us smile and usually feels good. I'm good at molding. I like relating. I want that feeling! Sometimes our strongest desires make us hastily connect to certain lyrics that might not completely encompass our story. Yet, it still seems to work – it still feels good.

For the first time I have lyrics in front of me that need not be molded. They don’t call for wishful thinking to fit a certain situation – they don’t because they were written for me…


"Invisible Kisses"

Will you still be here when I return?
Where will you have gone in the meantime?
Your story could never disappoint me

Cloaked by the distance of space and time
Doesn't make them any less real
It makes me smile to think of the many kisses
I place on your forehead morning and night

I have felt you before and I am stronger for it
You are in my story, and I am in yours
Better told after our encounter

Cloaked by the distance of space and time
Doesn't make them any less real
It makes me smile to think of the many kisses
I place on your forehead morning and night

~

Smiling he says, thank you.

I Don't Hate Monday's!

I spent the weekend on my boat – something I try to do religiously. My season starts sometime around the early part of March and often extends through the middle of November. It is a longer season than most experience - at least for this latitude of the Midwest - but then again, I rarely settle for practices acceptable by most! I went to bed early last night, knowing that I would be up much earlier than normal this morning to make the just over two-hour commute from my marina to the office. The gentle movement from the wind and waves, the familiar sounds of the marine air and the many motors and pumps operating rhythmically throughout the night are coupled with the seasonal smells of the lake and offer a deep serenity unlike anything else in my world. Even the short and narrow bed comfortably reminds me of my whereabouts and presence aboard my weekend retreat. The alarm on my phone set for four-O-early A.M. seemed a mild penance for the extra hours afforded with “her” this weekend.

A cup of coffee later I was heading east toward the e-mails, voice-mails, and the Monday morning meetings. After watching the sun rise over the many fog laden fields and forests along the back roads of Missouri I started catching up with some friends in typical texting fashion. (yes, I text while driving) The conversations from this morning were cheerful and bright for such an early hour; a very drastic contrast to the radio DJ who was allowing these miserable souls to phone in and explain why they hated Mondays. The callers sounded like they were describing a man who had brutally murdered their children – you could hear the anger and pure hatred in their voices. I kept turning the station out of disgust but inevitably found myself lured back by the genre and the music that flowed in-between callers; only to have the misery that loves company force my right arm toward the round dial again. "I’m not like them, I don’t hate Mondays," I thought. In fact, there is not much I do hate. I don’t love my job, I don’t love leaving the boat when the weekend is over and I really don’t even care that much for winter. I don’t like mayonnaise, I don’t like Brittney Spears, and I don’t like politics – but rarely will you see or hear me dwell on these things. Our energy is so much better spent focusing on the things we do enjoy, the things that, when we influence them, will make a positive difference in someone’s life!

The following is a small section of the text:

Me: …I got to watch the sunrise while driving – beautiful
Texting Friend: That sounds nice. R u tired?
Me: I got up at 5 to get ready, almost at office. I’m a bit sore from yesterday but not really tired, feeling pretty good!
Texting Friend: Sounds like you had an amazing weekend. Although I get the feeling u have those a lot.
Me: Hah… Well I strive for an amazing everything! There is no need to settle for any less!
Texting Friend: When we were looking at ur profile last night. Ur statement under ur pic describes u perfectly…..when I read it I said. Yep that’s tony.

Happy Birthday to Me

I sit here today full of emotions. Emotions that are so very different from the ones I’ve experienced previously around this time of the year. The holiday-less calendar hanging on the cluttered wall to my right shows only a few days until my first birthday. While it is true that I’ll be celebrating thirty-five years of life, this year marks the first time I’ll be celebrating my birthday with the woman who gave birth to me and then gave me away for a better life – my birth mother, Diana. Our story is truly amazing, deserving of an entire novel, my blog is deserving of a post, and I need to write - something, desperately.

Birthdays were always hard. Birthdays were the one day of the year when (or if) any hope existed that She was thinking about me – this would be the day. Past emotions bordered on depression, sadness, hopelessness, and inanition; while simultaneously I would experience the exact opposite of each of those feelings. The internal emotional conflict adoptees face throughout there life, but especially on their birthday, are beyond my writing abilities. I’m struggling here - wanting to try to accurately articulate my experiences so that others might gain a better understanding into our lives. The following is my best attempt: “Happy Birthday” they tell you. The day you feel like crying and laughing at the same time - all day - while screaming to world from the top of the highest building but feeling like you are stuck inside a dark closet surrounded by your family but feeling totally alone. The day you question your existence; not just your purpose in life, but truly your existence in this world while smiling as you blow out the candles of the cake offered to you as a celebration – something you can’t quite come to terms with yet. So defenselessly you repress those feelings and you cry into your pillow that night not knowing what to do or how to feel, only knowing that your birthday is unlike everyone else’s and it’s really not that happy.

Last year, on my 34th birthday I figured out what I needed to do. I started my search. Less than three weeks later I was sitting at the kitchen table, sobbing, as the woman who gave birth to me was holding my naked feet in her hands for the first time...

My birthday also coincides with a holiday known more so for its green beer and a random excuse to party in the middle of March. I’ve had multiple invitations for the evening’s affairs but can think of only one person I would like to spend my birthday with this year – my first birthday with my birth mother.

Politics

I was told once that I was a Republican. It was an interesting and humorous conversation. I had invited some friends aboard my boat; they brought with them some additional friends that I had never met. One was a Republican who held an elected position within our state. Throughout the evening - as you might imagine - politics were discussed. Mind you, I try to steer clear of these conversations as often as possible due to my own mixed views and often lack of knowledge to speak intelligently on most political subjects. At one point however, this guy suggested I was in fact a Republican. I actually stopped him and questioned his quick labeling of my voting record. Up until that point I had not added to any of the conversations in a way that could have offered insight into my views; but without missing a beat he said, “You own a f*&!ing yacht! You are a Republican!”

Over the years I have mostly allowed that label to stick. Very often though, find myself having serious issues with many of the ideas, beliefs, and the people associated with both parties. I rarely find myself talking politics unless I get dragged into the conversation. I find that I have very deep rooted beliefs which are emotionally tied to who I am and the choices I make. Some fall on the left, some on the right.

When I came across the above bumper sticker I laughed! Clearly I enjoy “half-full” references and I think this one speaks volumes about what is wrong with the two-party system in our country.

The Picture in the Mirror

It’s easy to critique a picture…

We throw stones. Big ones. Don’t we? We hurl them as hard and as far as we can! And it usually feels good! We look for validation of our own actions, our own humanity hidden among the defects, the secrets, and the faults of others. It is easy to look closely at a picture and do just this. We find those things we want to see, those things we need to see.

Can you do the same with a mirror?

As the year comes to an end, we hear people talking about the future and the past. We hear about New Year’s resolutions and reflections from the past year. When we reflect on the last year we take a look into the proverbial mirror of our own life. Sometimes we are our own worst critic and sometimes we stand so close to the mirror we are unable or unwilling to see our own shortcomings. We can use these reflections to change our lives.

An old adage says that people resist change but there is an equally as popular one that says we embrace tradition. The changing of the calendar offers us a chance to shake our personal Etch A Sketch, erase the past, and make a conscious decision to do something, anything, differently this year.

Look in the mirror and find yourself. I did.

One Year To The Day...

On December 19, 2007 I sat down and tearfully explained - to a woman I had never met, knew little about, yet longed for quite terribly – why I was reaching out to her after all these years. I mark that date as the true beginning and the start of the last of my many searches for my birthmother. On that cold wintry Wednesday evening by myself, I embarked on a short journey of a trip I had waited my entire life to take.

I have spent very little time with other adoptees. I have felt alone in my own personal battles up until I found a book called Adoption Healing by Joe Scoll. Great read and highly recommended for anyone involved in adoption or even in a relationship with someone who is involved in adoption. It really opens your eyes to just how fucked up we are; but I digress. My personal experiences with other adoptees have been limited to a few conversations with my search specialist, one adoptee, and the aforementioned book. Always looking for social normalcy and confirmation of my own life, I yearned for more of these encounters.

Over the summer I had the opportunity to meet a girl named Tara. It was far from love at first sight. We didn’t even hit it off that well. Few words were exchanged that night and I knew not who she was or her story. Through a random encounter with a friend of hers at a sandwich shop some time later, we exchanged information and agreed to a get-together of some sort - at some time, and left it at that. Months later it was on. We had agreed to a time and place and the three of us, plus a few others, were going to go have some drinks and call it a night on the town. Through random conversation over wine that night, I quickly realized how this person sitting at the table next to me had endured and faced such a similar life. It was on the table: she was adopted. And like me, she had searched and found her birth mother this past year. Due of the dynamics of the evening it was challenging to continue the conversation I couldn’t let go. The evening ended even though the story had not.

Faced with family, schedules, and responsibilities it was some time before we would be able to meet again. Through complete random chance, on December 19, 2008 I found myself sitting alone with the one person who could understand better than anyone what the last year of my life had entailed. Tara and I shared our respective stories and I found solace in her familiar fears, her experiences, her joys, all along knowing that our parallel paths had converged on that once distant horizon of our respective lives.

Here is to December 19th and all of my brothers and sisters through adoption!

Vodka - Part 2

Where to start? I guess when I'm done laughing at myself I might come up with something clever to say. I thought about editing the post; maybe make it a little less "drunk". I even considered deleting it altogether and pretending it never happened. I mean, not that many people have seen it yet, right?

The last year of my life has been pretty interesting in many ways. Due to several life changing events I’ve had the opportunity to grow as a person in some very positive ways. While the post below may seem oxymoron-ish to the statement above, I’d like to try to tie them together.

I believe people are - for the most part - good. I think we try to do the right thing, which results in happiness, and we all want to be happy. I believe and grip this philosophy. I’m genuinely a happy person full of energy and life. But this doesn’t mean I don’t still do stupid things from time to time – I do. But I live with very few regrets; I’m not saying I don’t have regrets either, because - I do. But I can’t do anything with a regret, other than regret it. I typically can’t take back an action or choice. I can’t undo what I did. But what I can do is learn from my experiences – and I’ve been learning a lot and learning the hard way! These experiences have and are molding me into the person I am becoming and the one I want to be – and I’m really starting to like this guy! With that said, I’m opting to share the bad with the good and not edit or delete my drunk post – that’s definitely a part of who I am and I’m embracing my actions and saying, yep, that’s me! Enjoy!

…did I hear someone say tequila?

Drunk Blogging!!!

F'ing A!!!!

After a pletheora - f'it, i'm drunk, I don't need to know how to spell, much less try to use big words for YOU - after a pelethora (spelled differenly on purpose to prove I'm only have drunk) of drunk emails sent tonight to people who probably should not be getting emails from ME - I decided to make a blog post. Why the f- not? Seriously, we all do it from time to time, and I figured I could look back at this when I was sober and go, wow, Tony, you really need to lock up the Vodka, because that shit works! Either that or come up with a password that any drunk guy - or sober guy for that matter can hack! Well, this has been fun and that's about all I got, off to make another vodka/7 and delete some more old emails. Hope you all enjoy as much as I will tomorrow! Oh, why do I get the feeling this is going to hurt?

Peace out, N1!~

My First 10K!

I’ve never been a runner. I think the combination of relatively slow speeds, lack of adrenaline creating situations, and constant physical output required sort of ranked it up there with a weekend visit to the (now former) in-laws. My turning point happened just this summer. In an attempt to get back the single body I’ve never had (inside joke: I’ve not been single since I was a kid) and I think, initially, to impress a girl – I ran.

The first run was 3 miles. Pre run jitters told me I might as well be running the Boston Marathon – 3 miles? Seriously, that’s far in a car! But I sucked it up and ran. It wasn’t that bad, in fact, I made the entire run without walking! For reasons still unknown to me I started to enjoy running. In a matter of weeks I got past the point of “I’m going to die, this sucks!” and slipped into the “ok, if I head straight home after work I should be able to do the loop around my neighborhood before….” It was turning into an addiction. I was buying new shoes, special socks, and shorts with underwear stitched in the crotch! I was running frequently and adding distance and hills to my route. It was fun!

A friend who has done a lot of sponsored runs suggested I join their group for an upcoming 10K Halloween based “Pumpkin Run” – how could I say no?

It was an awesome experience – full of adrenaline and fun people! I have no doubt more will be in my future! Training for 13.1!

Oh God No! Not a Religious Post!

While my religious beliefs are just that - my own - I can, and do, appreciate humor. Even religious humor found amid church billboards trying to coerce us in their doors. The following is a collection of real-world examples found along the roads of the Midwest:

GOD ANSWERS KNEE-MAIL

GOD WORKS IN THE LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT

YOU TAKE ETERNITY: SMOKING OR NON-SMOKING?

CONSIDERING CATHALOSIM? HERE’S A SIGN

FORBIDDEN FRUIT CREATES MANY JAMS

TRY OUR SUNDAYS. THEY ARE BETTER THAN BASKIN-ROBINS.

“DON’T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE” – GOD

WHAT PART OF “THOU SHAULT NOT….” DIDN’T YOU UNDERSTAND – GOD

KEEP USING MY NAME IN VAIN, I’LL MAKE RUSH HOUR LONGER – GOD

PREVENT TRUTH DECAY, BURSH UP ON YOUR BIBLE

WAL-MART ISN’T THE ONLY SAVING PLACE!

Seen in front of a church promoting Sunday morning coffee/donuts: Je-ho-va’s Java

The Goal

"You miss 100% of the shots you never take."
Wayne Gretzky

Live, Laugh, and Love

"I hope your dreams take you... to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known."

~Unknown

Nicholas Sparks

I realize I don’t quite fit the demographics for his novels. That doesn’t bother me. I rather enjoy telling people, “Actually, I have read every book Nicholas Sparks has written.” Women usually say, “Really?” as they furrow their brow and question my sexuality; while most guys are like, “Who?” Aside from the ability to tout such an accomplishment, I do in fact enjoy his sappy North Carolina based romantic love stories where the guy always gets the girl – even if he loses her in the end. I’m not ashamed of being a hopeless romantic. Don’t get me wrong, I still love the smell of 2-stroke motor oil and have considered wearing WD-40 as cologne; I just happen to find his work entertaining.

Yesterday marked a banner day for all Nicholas Sparks fans as his 14th book, “The Lucky One” went on sale! I promptly made my way to Borders after work and have the 326 pages of hardbound bliss in my grubby little mitts! Unfortunately, I have to finish another book before I will allow myself to start this one. Talk about motivation for finishing a book you've not been enjoying! I just hope one box of Kleenex is enough!

Marriage

Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful.

-Bishop Jeremy Taylor

I offer this quote to my sister and her new husband as they start their journey through life together. My best wishes and support are with you both!

Additional pictures: http://ericaandcurt.shutterfly.com/